Divorce is a very trying thing in every imaginable way, emotionally, physically, and financially. Nobody wants to go through it, yet many do even though it's been found to be preventable in a large portion of cases. Why go through the heartache? The emotional and financial ruin? If there are children involved, it's rather obvious that divorce should be a last resort reserved for serious infidelity, abuse, and similar hopelessly broken cases. If the "flame" has died down, or you are plagued with petty disagreements, or money problems have been stressful, or anything like this that are fixable (even if there's several!) don't give up yet. Here are a few secrets that we've seen have helped save many marriages.
Secret #1
Get that spark back! Be spontaneous and be romantic. The honeymoon is over and the mystery has died down, but a little extra effort to do something random and surprising frequently can bring back those feelings from when you first started dating. Even if it's a bit cliche, classic things like candlelight dinners, chocolates, and flowers can really soften the mood and show that you still care. Seeing as what you do is less important than the love it represents, pulling out some creativity to do something surprising that is special to the both of you could really help. But most of all, Stop Your Divorce Now Secret's friend and divorce survivor Jamie reminds us: "I had to learn, and this saved my marriage, that romance changes. A perfect marriage is not between two giddy and infatuated adolescents forever. OK a perfect marriage doesn't exist, but a GREAT marriage is two committed people whose love grows and changes over time. That whole 'spark' thing-it moves. You have to keep finding it, and it's better and better each time you do."
Secret #2
Write it out! Far too often our survivors relate that it was simple miscommunication all along. While the stereotypes say that women will expect men to "read their mind" thinking that her poor clueless husband would know the 'obvious' solution to her arbitrary and often impossible emotional puzzle if he really loved her, and that men just tend to bottle up and not talk about things for fear of appearing weak, the truth is both parties tend to play these and many other mind games with each other. We hate to spoil the ending of a story for you, but it's important that you know how this one ends: nobody wins. Sit down with your spouse and write down the problems you are each having with each other. Don't hold back, both of you need to be honest. We can practically guarantee both of you will find your problems are less obvious to your spouse than you think, and that your spouse's are easier to fix than you thought they would be. Oh and this part is optional but why be negative all the time? We also recommend after taking some time to hash things out, write what you like about each other. Depending on your personalities and what state your relationship is in, you may want to agree to wait a few days to think about it and resolve some of the problems to keep it from getting awkward!
Secret #3
Now you're open with each other-stay open and remember the Golden Rule of Relationship Compromise! Agree to talk with each other about things that bother the both of you instead of bottling it up or playing games with each other. Remember earlier? Those sorts of tactics follow the same plot of every other tragedy ever written, so don't do it. Often problems that seem big are easily resolved just with communication. Once the line is open, remember the Golden Rule of Relationship Compromise, or for short, "the 80/20 rule". In a successful relationship, when each member is asked to guess how much they give versus how much they get, both tend to say they give 80% and get 20%. If either of you are counting your concessions to the other and holding back when things don't seem "fair", stop. Giving to someone you love is the foundation of a happy marriage, and both of you should happily and freely give to each other since you both enjoy it-you love each other.
P.S. If you are thinking right now, "that's right, my spouse SHOULD enjoy giving and giving in to me more!" you're doing it wrong!
So what will it be?
If the issues between you and your spouse aren't a threat to each other's safety (abuse whether physical, verbal, or emotional and infidelity, for instance, are very dangerous) you can save your marriage and stop your divorce if you are both willing to talk, listen, compromise, and give. It's up to you AND your spouse, you will both need to cooperate for it to work as nobody can force someone else to do anything. However, it only takes one of you to offer the other the chance to follow them on the path to a happy and successful marriage.
Stop your divorce now! Divorce is painful and trying and should be a last resort. Don't put up with abuse and don't blame yourself... but also don't throw in the towel until you can look yourself in the eye and say you tried everything and gave it your all. It can just take one spouse to save a marriage.
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